- CHRIS YOUNG? You call that a pitcher? Look at his little arms! Curt Schilling could fit three Chris Youngs in one of his arms.
- Weren’t they once George Bush’s team? I hate them.
- (on the Yankees) Their uniforms are so clean because they are too slick for dirt
- (After seeing Tony Womack dog it on the basepaths) I need to cast an elemental shift spell on baseball (*bonus points if you get that reference*)
- (On Derek Jeter) Look at those skinny thighs! Does he not run??
- (on Randy Johnson) Too ugly for baseball! Get him off the TV!